Cancelling the Pity Party

I got some news yesterday that really upset me. And I was upset because the news upset me. Confused? A family member announced yesterday that's expecting a baby. And I am so happy for her. She's going to be an amazing mother, and her husband is going to be a fantastic father. They are truly lovely people. However, Jonathan and I have been struggling to conceive for almost three years. So instead of being happy for them, I had to leave the room before I started crying.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening wallowing in self-pity. (I did manage to say congratulations before we left, but I know my behaviour was ridiculous.) I sobbed in my bed while my husband walked the dog. I honestly don't know the last time I cried like that.

This morning I woke up feeling a little foolish. How selfish am I? What is wrong with me that I can't be happy for friends and family who are experiencing one of the most joyful times of their lives? And what about my husband? How does it make him feel when I behave like that? Time to cancel the pity party and get on with life.

God's timing is perfect - I'll have a baby when (and if) I'm supposed to. For now, I've decided to try and finally develop that routine I've been talking about for months. I'm going to try and get myself healthy. Will eating better and exercising more make me get pregnant faster? Maybe, or maybe not. Will it make for an easier pregnancy when the time comes? Definitely. And if I don't get pregnant is there any harm in being healthier? Well that's just a silly question...

Testing, Testing...

Off to the hospital for some blood work this morning. Just before Christmas Jonathan and I finally got in to see a specialist at the infertility clinic. (The proper name is Atlantic Assisted Reproductive Technologies, or AART.) Basically the doctor there told us we're going everything right, and to keep doing it. I know it's good that we're healthy, but I really wanted them to say, "This is what's wrong, take this pill and you'll get pregnant." Even though we seem healthy, she did ask me to re-do some bloodwork I had done about a year and a half ago to check my hormones, etc. I have to go on a certain day of my menstral cycle. Luckily, I have a fabulous and understanding boss, so I'm heading over to the hospital now and then going into work late.

The other thing they recommended at the clinic is a Hysteroalpingogram. Basically, they shoot dye through my tubes to make sure there's no blockages. Apparently it's pretty unpleasant, but even if they don't find major issues, having it done will increase your chances of conceiving. We're going to go ahead and do it, but it's a long, complicated process to get an appointment.

Last week when I was getting blood work done I noticed a poster in the waiting room about the top 10 reasons to adopt a school-aged child. Then on Pinterest a couple days later there was a picture of a girl wearing a t-shirt that said "adoption is the new pregnant." More and more lately I've found the idea of adoption on my mind. And I don't know if it's because I'm impatient, or because my brother-in-law and his wife are in the midst of the adoption process, or if it's because it's what Jonathan and I are supposed to be doing and that's why we're struggling to conceive. I still don't think we're quite ready to start down that path, but I'm wondering if it's time to start doing a little more research...

Mixed Emotions

I went to a baby shower for a co-worker today. It was a lot of fun, but it was hard too. Hubby and I have been trying to have our own baby for almost two years now. The first year it wasn't so hard, but as the months continued to pass... Well, it just wasn't so easy anymore.

We are currently waiting for an appointment with the infertility clinic but even the wait for that is tough. A  girl I know recently got a letter with her appointment date. Her doctor put in her referral in April of this year and her appointment isn't until April 2013. My doctor sent in my referral in the fall but sent it to a doctor on sabbatical. It was resent in June and I've yet to hear anything. So frustrated!

It's hard. When I'm being rational about it I remind myself that God has a plan for me and He doesn't think now is the right time for us. When I'm being irrational or emotional I feel like a failure who's letting down my husband and my family.

We have done some research into adoption. We know what steps we need to take, but we aren't ready to take them yet. It doesn't feel right yet, but I'm not sure I'll be able to recognize the signs if it is the path God would have us choose. How do you know?

What I do know without a doubt is that I want to be "mommy" more than anything and that my husband will be an amazing "daddy." Some day.